One for all, secret worlds, highway screenplay, bizarre disappearance

Dear Guru,
What’s all this talk about the need for press freedom? Just look at America — they have a free press and all they do is print stuff about Tiger Woods. It might be good for them but we’re different.
In the Woods
via email
I found a quote that nicely explains the dangers of an irresponsible free press: “No country, no nation, can allow the press to confuse people by spreading disinformation. Appropriate measures will be taken in light of our national security interests. We’ll have to deal with them.” This was said by President Isiah Aferweke of Eritrea, a country that has been called the North Korea of Africa. But it sounds strangely familiar. Or am I just easily confused?

Dear Kam,
It’s almost the end of another year. Did anything interesting happen in 2009?
The Awakening
via email
There’s only one thing that you need to know about, which is that all our numbers have been boiled down to the number 1. You no longer need to know troublesome, long numbers like 2 or 3. All you need to know is 1! Isn’t that easier? So, listen to the sound of my voice, you are feeling sleepy, when I count to 1 you will no longer be confused or will ask any difficult questions. 1. ZZZzzzz…

Another thing that happened was that the people of Perak finally got the state government that they actually, really, deep down wanted. People in Ipoh were so pleased with this that they celebrated under a tree.

Sadly, a man by the name of Teoh Beng Hock did not get to see the end of the year.

Dear Kam,
I went to a kopitiam at Subang Parade earlier today for a drink and found out it was tough to order a meal these days. The waiter could not speak or understand either Malay or English. I later went to look for a surau, and I asked the ‘jaga’. To my surprise the same thing happened. I think I need to take up a third language. What language do you recommend?
Tax Payer
via email
Earlier today, a man asked me if I wanted him to “susie” my car. I really couldn’t tell where he was from but presumably he meant “cuci.” These days, it’s useful to have a good working knowledge of Bengali, Myanmar and Nepalese before you leave your house. This is just the present-day fashion because I can remember how during the war in Bosnia, it was even useful to know some Serbo-Croat.

But don’t get snooty with these people because there’s a good chance that they have more qualifications than you. They didn’t come here to improve their Malay language skills or to boost their CVs with a stint at Restoran Mahboob. They’re here because things are bad back home, and without them, our quality of life would be drastically different.

Did you know that a Myanmar literary festival was recently held in KL? A friend of mine discovered this when he was looking at some DVDs in downtown KL. The DVD showed Myanmar writers giving readings and having panel discussions. There are dozens of secret worlds out there that we know nothing about.

Nowadays, you can have mamak food cooked by an Indonesian woman or Chinese food cooked by a Nepalese. Sometimes it’s good but often something is missing and it doesn’t taste quite right. The trend is that less and less of the food that we traditionally associate with our Malaysian communities will actually be cooked by a Malaysian, and the quality of the food will inevitably change. I’m not complaining and I’m not suggesting that any Malaysian with a drop of Hainanese blood be forced to quit a job in a bank and cook chicken chop instead, but things are changing.

A few months ago, I led a historical walking tour around the streets of old KL and we went to an area where there are several Nepalese shops. They gather where once stood Yap Ah Loy’s house (if you went to a Malaysian school over 10 years ago, then you might have heard of him). If you go there on a Sunday, it’s still possible to imagine what it was like in the early days of KL, over a hundred years ago. It’s almost exclusively young men, scratching a living and enjoying their day off. Now it’s Nepalese, Myanmar and a few tourists, but once it was Chinese, Sumatrans, Javanese, every kind of Indian and even a few Europeans. Things change, things stay the same.

Dear Kam,
Why are our young people always watching Hollywood movies? We should make them watch local movies that show good values. I don’t care that it’s going to be 2010 soon, I want people to think what I tell them to think. I have written a script about a girl who leaves the kampong for the big city and becomes a nightclub singer…[letter shortened because the storyline is a boring cliché].
Bolly Movie
via email
If I ever write a screenplay for a Hollywood movie then I would like to put in some names that only the Malaysian audience would get. So whenever I’m driving on long stretches of lonely highway, I like to take the names I see and imagine them in a Star Wars sci-fi movie. I look at the names of towns, warning signs and even places where people stop and wash their cars (why do they do that?). So far the hero of my movie is called Slim River and his trusty sidekick is Trolak. The villain is the evil Emperor Voltan Tinggi who is helped by Colonel Smartag. And the heroine is the beautiful Princess Dilarang Mandi. I’m not sure what the storyline is but it has something to do with intergalactic tolls.

Dear Kam,
Is it true that a jet engine went missing? What’s going on?
On the Runway
via email
There seems to be a crazy news story every week in Malaysia, and this week’s head-shakingly bizarre story involves a missing air-force jet engine. According to press reports, the engine (worth RM50 million) disappeared in 2007. The prime minister has promised that there won’t be a cover-up. By the way, before I forget, Happy New Year. May 2010 be good for all of us.

Malaysian guru Kam Raslan imparts his wisdom to readers every week.

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This article appeared in Options, the lifestyle pullout of The Edge Malaysia, Issue 787, Dec 28, 2009-Jan 10, 2010